My peanut is gone
by charisma26
Summary: Piper lost Chris on, what was supposed to be, one of the happiest days of her life - how did she deal when she returned home to the place where he died, knowing that he was gone for good? set between season 6 and 7 - Piper's grieving process - sad! please R&R! :)


Disclaimer: Charmed does not belong to me - hope y'all enjoy this little one shot! :)

Piper tried. She tried as hard as she could to keep calm but that wasn't happening anytime soon. She felt the breath trying to claw it's way from her lungs, resulting in her emanating these choked sobs that made her feel sick to the stomach. Warm, salty tears streamed down her face, smudging her mascara and making her cheeks red and botchy. How could she ever stay in this room again after what happened? Everything just felt wrong - tainted - and full of bleakness. Her son had died in this very bedroom and Piper didn't think she could ever have a peaceful night's rest ever again.

Thankfully her sisters and Leo had cleared up the place - there wasn't a smudge of blood anywhere, but that came as little comfort to her... the evidence may be gone but it didn't change the fact that her Chris had faded away just a mere five feet away from her. She took a few tottery steps forward, one hand clinging to her chest right above her heart - why wouldn't the ache go away? It made it hard to breathe, hard to think, hard to do anything really except mull over Chris.

She knew she hadn't really lost him, he was born just a few days previously weighing just over 7lbs, a tuft of dark hair growing and those clear green eyes that Piper would never forget but, despite all that, she still lost him - she had grown to love the twenty two year old man he had become, she had bonded with him and talked with him, laughed with him and celebrated with him - she felt shallow without him here with her.

Piper's shaky legs collapsed and she fell to the hardwood floor, her breathing not working. Why? Why? Why? Was all she could think, over and over, why did you take him away from me? Her hands tangled themselves in her hair, desperately pulling at the roots, anything to distract her from this _pain and heartbreak, _anything that would make her feel _whole _again. One moment everything was perfect, she had her boys and her family then just like that, in an awful twist of fate, Leo had murmured those three heart-breaking words that made her whole world collapse into nothing - "Chris is gone"

The memories were devouring Piper and the weight of grief settled in her stomach, making her cry out again. She felt so alone, she felt like everyone and everything was detached from her and she was scared she couldn't claw her way back out from this pit of despair she was trapped in. Her baby, her son, her peanut was gone, _gone, _and no-one could bring him back.

She had her family, her children, her sort-of husband, but why then did she feel like everything was over? Like at any moment she would slip away and never return? Why did she feel so so _so _lost without him by her side? Surely her heart was made from glass because it was broken, cracked and useless - crying out for help that no one could give her.

"Time heals" Phoebe had tried to soothe her but Piper shook her head, trying to regain control of her tears. That wasn't true - time doesn't heal - it may get easier to deal with but never goes away, the pain and greif and sadness stays with you until, eventually, it's lights out and it's gone because you're gone to. For the rest of her life she will be forever haunted by the fact that she lost a son, murdered by the one they all trusted. she couldn't move past that - not fully. Despite what she said.

"Chris would want you to move on" Paige had urged her, sympathy shining in her eyes. Yes that was true, she knew Chris well enough that he would probably chastise her for living in the past and not looking toward the future but what could she do? really? it wasn't easy, it wasn't hard, it felt _impossible _to do. How could she continue living her life when her son had lost his? It didn't feel right. It felt like, just by her breathing, she was cheating him out of his own life.

Piper pulled herself up onto her bed, lying in a foetal position that matched her sense of mood. She just wanted him back, even for a moment, just to say goodbye. She never got to do that - she wasn't there for her son when he needed her the most to comfort him or whisper soothing words in his ear, she never got to be a mom to him for the last time and that ate her up inside.

Piper turned her face into the duvet, blocking out the light and silencing her sobs. She knew she should pick up the broken pieces of herself and put them back together, for her sons sakes, but she needed time to grieve her lost son before she could ever think about moving past this. So that's what she'd do - she would stay up here, undisturbed, letting all of her emotions out, trying to grasp for her son that had faded away. She hoped that by coming up here, being in the place that he died, she would feel closer to him.

"I love you Chris" She choked out between her cries, hugging a pillow to her chest in desperation.

"I love you too mom" A gentle, quiet voice whispered back before his essence floated away, finally at peace after seeing his mom.

Yeah, I love angst! your thoughts would be greatly appreciated - reviews yummy! ha! cookies for all! :)


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